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Share a joke

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Asteievameni

# 1 στις 4/8/2009
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Share a joke

το παραθέτω εδώ επειδή

α) είναι ξενόγλωσσο και
βου) αν το μεταφράσω στα ελληνικά, φοβάμαι ότι θα "χάσει"
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger
turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the
stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a
question first. A horse, a cow,and a deer all eat the same stuff - rass -.
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a
horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it
and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shit?
Όλες οι ανθρώπινες πράξεις έχουν ως αίτιο ένα από τα εξής επτά: τύχη, φύση, παρόρμηση, συνήθεια, λογική, πάθος, πόθο.

isixos_geroulis

# 2 στις 4/8/2009
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...

SENIOR DATING
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a
gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me
downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and
all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,
Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are
coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he
tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Το χειροτερο σε μια τραγωδια ειναι οι γνωμες που ακολουθουν...

somebody961

# 3 στις 22/8/2009
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Παράθεση:
Originally posted by Asteievameni
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear
power when you don't know shi t?



Ευφυές!
Έει, πού πας; Είναι γκρεμός εκεί! Ε, τότε καλά πάω.

meandothers

# 4 στις 7/3/2010
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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.
The husband, although very much in love,
couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies ..

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.


The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'


He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,


'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strip s , etc.

'But my swee t honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'


'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'


........and, they lived happily ever after.


Now, isn't that a sweet story?

Dardana

# 5 στις 8/3/2010
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ενα απο τα πιο αγαπημενα μου

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mee Lookee Yu, to watch and report any activities that might develop. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE


Tα πράγματα δεν είναι τόσο άσχημα όσο φαίνονται... είναι χειρότερα...

Dardana

# 6 στις 8/3/2010
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ακομα ενα πολυ καλο:

.
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements:

Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:
"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Tα πράγματα δεν είναι τόσο άσχημα όσο φαίνονται... είναι χειρότερα...

_iveksarap_

# 7 στις 13/10/2010
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The 11th husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed."
Μέτρον πάντων χρημάτων αΌνθρωπος, ταΏ¶ν μαν αντων ας αΌστην, ταΏ¶ν δα οακ αντων ας οακ αΌστην. - ΟαΌα μαν αΌκαστα αΌμοα¶ φαίνεται τοιααΏτα μαν αΌστην αΌμοα¶ οαΌα δα σοι, τοιααΏτα δα αατ' σοα¶ αΌνθρωπος δα σα τε καΌγώ. Πρωταγόρας

# 8 στις 13/10/2010
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Παράθεση:
Originally posted by Dardana
ενα απο τα πιο αγαπημενα μου
.
.
.
.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE





...πρέπει να το κάνω σκονάκι!

somebody961

# 9 στις 14/4/2012
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A policeman saw a young couple making love in the park.
He went and stood by them asking the man in an ironic manner:

-Hey man, are you enjoying this whole thing you're doin'
And the young man then replied:

-O yessss!!! I am enjoying the hole, and she's enjoying the thing!
Έει, πού πας; Είναι γκρεμός εκεί! Ε, τότε καλά πάω.

Razer_Knight

# 10 στις 2/10/2012
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Parachuting

A blind man was describing his favorite sport: parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

parachute

http://farm4.staticflickr.com/3382/3671497559_c1d96ae542_n.jpg

He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

Το μέλος Razer_Knight έχει επισυνάψει το αρχείο: Επιλεκτική Κοκκινοσκουφίτσα.jpg (20.78KB)
Αυτό το αρχείο έχει γίνει download 294 φορές

Razer_Knight

# 11 στις 2/10/2012
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Restroom talk

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'

And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, 'No........I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

http://farm5.staticflickr.com/4096/4757384126_c0aa7244e4.jpg

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions.'

Razer_Knight

# 12 στις 2/10/2012
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Offer, Retracted.

A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

Martini

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can f**k right off."

Razer_Knight

# 13 στις 2/10/2012
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Soda Machine

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.

After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.

Vending machine

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/9/85122689_9d32962fa7.jpg

Razer_Knight

# 14 στις 5/10/2012
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Flowers

A woman tells her friend that Interflora just delivered a bunch of flowers from her husband.

"Now I guess he'll want me to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air"

"Why?" asks her friend "Don't you have a vase?"

Razer_Knight

# 15 στις 5/10/2012
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Blind Skydivers

Why don't blind people skydive more often?

It scares the shit out of their dogs.

Razer_Knight

# 16 στις 5/10/2012
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How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

Bar Staff at Cucumara's

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

Razer_Knight

# 17 στις 5/10/2012
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Thing to declare

A young woman on a flight from Auckland asked the Priest beside her: "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child," he said: "What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it," she explained. "Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear," he replied, "but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," she said.

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked: "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare," he replied truthfully.

The official thought this answer strange, so asked: "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

Sunset Airport

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said: "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

Razer_Knight

# 18 στις 5/10/2012
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The Date

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move."I`m a hooker".

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says,

Dates

"Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

Razer_Knight

# 19 στις 5/10/2012
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The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Gangster

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

Razer_Knight

# 20 στις 8/10/2012
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A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed. The lawyer for the defendant was trying to discredit him and asked him how far away he was from the accident.

The carpenter replied, "Twenty-seven feet, six and one-half inches."

"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?" asked the lawyer.

"Well, I knew sooner or later some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
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